GAH!

yes once again this has turned into a place for me to vent. i would have posted up lovely pictures of snow and chinese new year but my new sd died. so thats the end of that one.. however thats not whats driving me crazy right now. 

im crazy busy right now. i have things happening everyday and this is driving me crazy organizing where to do what. the constant not knowing what happens next week is getting really annoying. recently the electric meters outside my flat got yoinked out. so as a ‘responsible’ member of the public i made a few phone calls and the people were going to come and fix it.. whats worrying is that its exposed to the the rain and now occasional bits of dandruff falling from the sky. they’re so over booked that if i want to arrange an appointment it will take two weeks.. (at least for them to get out to me). i don’t know whats happening next week let alone in 2 weeks time GAH! This has left me recheduling the appointment 3 times. if we do make it to the newest appointment it will mean that its waited for a month to get fixed, and its classed as an urgent case since its a dangerous situation. anywho.. lots of work to do.. tired as hell too..

i guess this truly sums up how i feel right now..

bit worried about tomorrow.. feeling a bit like.. lamb to the slaugher ish..  but piggyish instead. 

it is getting easier, but only because a little bit of me dies each time.

OH WELL time to suck it up and be a man about it.

i have no words…

. for how much i hate my computer. GAH.. well more like my extreme lack of luck with electrical equipment. I am now off to bond street, the hub, a good 30 – 40 mins away from home just to see if i can access the files on my new SD card. this is getting really really old. GAHHHHH. must do work. hope the macs there can  sort it out.

boo hoo..

booo.. just a status update.. im very much dead.. ive barely had time to recover from my 36hrs of continious conciousness == … well i have a 2000 word essay due in very very shortly… the great thing is that the deadline is at 10-4.. hooray for timeframe deadlines. im one day behind on my work.. theres still so much to read. tomorrow or should i say roughly an hours time, mum will wake up.. hope on the 6.00 coach all the way to london to see her very dead daughter. my flat… well its just in a fairly interesting state.. i just realised i could write a whole blog about every problem in my flat. most of you know.. nothing works.. and everything (okay.. 70% of everything) is a little fuggled. whilst trying to start my essay… my ears..perked up… some very weird scratchy sounds were heard.. and i checked.. it was not my sigor ros track in the background.. turns out i have a new flat mate.. an unwanted one.. tbh.. i’d gladly feed it.. as long as its not running around in my flat… i’d shove it in a box if it really wants to eat in here… Also in the proccess of sort of tidying my flat… i discovered 4 bottles of milk.. yes F O U R… with verying newly fermented dairy concoctions… the general practise in my flat is to… throw out milk on the day the rubbish is due.. but keep it in the fridge to minimalise milk deterioration or whatever its called.. (its 4.14 so excuse my fantabulous lack of coherence)… yeah.. i think thats probably about 2 months worth of milk cartons.. oh well good thing i got to that before mum did… anywho.. time for me to head off to bed.. and hopefully wake early to go work on essay-pick mum up-run home-work on essay-run to uni-run to library-run to pick up mum.. etc.. you get my gist.. im a busy corpse… AND lastly.. unfortunately the polish folk were right.. you do have a 10 year old friend, here are my fluffies.. they’re here to give you warm wishes.. they hear that you’re all overworked and in dire need of a break also <3!!  [edit: gosh.. im sorry.. that rant looked a lot shorter when i was typing it.. oh well too late.. im going to bed now MWahahahahahah]

well … well..

you thought it was all over didn’t you? no more multiple daily postage.. well.. rather regretably.. actually i don’t care that much anymore.. its getting a little old.. and im becoming some what numb to this being let down feeling.. i’d rather take you for the ride too.

well.. i got my two files geared and ready… saved different formats.. just incase.. oh .. and really really just incase. i even had it in a pdf. all the changes i could have made.. i made.. it was pretty much ‘perfected’ (in terms of ive saturated all the work on this..) .. popped down to the hub .. i had a good two hours to get this thing sorted.. plenty of time right? er no. printer didn’t like me that was to be expected.. i grabbed the tech guy and things were sorted.. by the time it coughed up the whole document.. OH FUCK.. guidelines.. you’ve got to be fucking kidding me..it doesn’t even have the edge of the page.. and it gives me the fucking guidelines…mind you this is a pdf.. im thinking er.. if its already saved like this theres not much i can do right.. went to the tech guy again.. ‘yeah sorry .. indesigns not really my thing.’ cheers. luckily i had the originals.. luckily the girl next to me left.. leaving me with an empty socket to plug in the harddisk.. editing .. finally managing to scrape away.. most of the pages.. apart from two.. from… for various reasons.. urgh.. and the original concept.. still remains unprinted.. due to the same problem on the day of the deadline.. the exported version thats supposidly compatable with CS2 died on me..  so there’s still lots to do tomorrow..

this is just grumbling now.. not even nice to read.. um … yes.. on the up side. i found a way to retrieve a slightly better quality version of the file i lost.. its still shit.. but involves a print screen button. hurrah.. also .. peoples.. get your work done early and print it at the hub, they use nice paper.. and damn it looks good.. yes indeed.. had i printed out the whole thing it would have looked even better.

i also have to meet with my group to discuss daniel clowes ghostworld.. its the most depressing thing ive ever read. really. as in dipshit american teenage girls.. unfortunately it paints rather a real picture of life.. so its more depressing.. boohoo.. off to work again.

hahahahaha .. and again…

erm.. it seems im a walking disaster.. my memory cards are saying no to everything so even though ive finished all my work.. im going no where anytime soon.. so much for ‘by 4 oclock monday for a good impression’. ive  lost my only cd rw.. so .. fine.. i will use my external harddrive.. which is sort of clunky.. it needs an extra power supply.. yeah. its a beast.. therefore i avoid dragging its heavy ass around.. im so happy with my work this time… although the illustrations looked really crappy last night.. by the time i added a dash of colour it all sort of looked a bit.. mm not bad. the one thing i don’t like is the cover… so i might redo that.. since im not going to hand this in today anyhow..( i also checked on blackboard.. amanda is in on tues and thurs.. which is pretty good for me… phew.. )

(oh and btw.. one of my images magically dissappeared.. and i’ll never get it back since it was digitally coloured..oh well.. im starting to learn that if i want to go with in a 100 yard radius, i must first detatch my emotions.. because something will go wrong.. and i will have yet another mental breakdown.)

so here are some of the picceroos.. which im quite pleased with.. my first time doing any sorf of colouring on the computer.. definately going to do this more often now big thumbs up indeede.

didn’t post the cover.. it would just make your eyes bleed..

(originally i wanted to do 8 or 10 illustrations.. if i have time maybe.. i still have to read up for my elective tomorrow.. don’t want to let down the group sigh..) i’ll try my luck with cs2 at the hub later .. fingers crossed i’ll finally get this printed.

[im just a bitter old woman right now..]

its now 3:03.. my head hurts, im not sure if its due to a lack of sleep or to my new discovery.

for those who couldnt be arsed to read the really really long post.. my printer is quite officially dead. I want to hand in my project tomorrow.. as a sign of goodwill.. monday is the best day. In a slight state of despiration i decided to try the printer once more, the one page that it managed to cough up without chewing up has very very patchy toner.. and i know this is not due to my illustration having uneven colour .. even the text is cloudy.. the residual toner that hasn’t been processed gets left on the rollers only to be reprinted on the following page as unwanted rubbish. so.. erm.. i need a new printer..  im not quite sure whats more heartbreaking.. the fact that ive just spent 150 quid of my parents hard earned cash on toner for a corpse or that on top of the 150 im now going have to cough up XXX amount of printer credits to now print this in uni. what a week.

well.. erm..RIP konica minolta magicolour 2300W. you led a short.. and pretty useless life within my hands. I shall miss you.. for all the hope you held.. of running pages and pages of waterproof copies of inspiring pictures. I shall love the space that you’ll leave in my room once i throw your useless ass onto the streets.. you drain power.. incredibly.. so much so that apparently just turning you on caused peoples computers to power off (see amazon reviews). in your life there were two people who supported you.. shin who dragged your heavy ass here.. and dan who wrestled words with toner dude to get me a ‘bargain’.. thanks folks.. im truly sorry for the wasted energy.. im truly sorry for thinking that this old brick would be worth it even for a tenner. you represent the pinnacle of my truly shit week.. and when i finish this project.. i shall separate from you forever.. like i will the shit week of my culture project. and lastly.. little leprechaun of misfortune or something or another.. please have a little humanity.. otherwise im going to be dead by the end of this week.

[as for my project.. ive decided to chop down 10 spreads to 6... quanitity means nothing if you can't speak your idea in a few pages.. any more and it will add to the confusion.. as well as give you a chance to fuck it up to top it off.. im knackered.. ive finished the drawings i think.. so .. off to edit them bright and early.. so much for handing work in 'first thing monday morning'. ive also discovered just how hard it is to draw for a specific project.. im so used to drawing because something catches my eye and i love it.. so i work for it.. i doubt i'll be dowing any sort of drawing based work for my next projects.. its just this one .. i now have a point to prove (even though i can't) .. look like photographys the way forward.. whee graphic design -_- ]

this is just depressing, so if your day hasn’t been rainbows and bunnies, then do yourself a favour .. just don’t read this. if your day has been good.. best not to bring it down either.

i actually regret writing all this now, but i can’t delete it either or even bring myself to proof read it.. i just need it here as a reminder to myself… just read the orange at the very bottom ..

alrighty.. i won’t bother doing a huge list of things that did go wrong … but i will tell you something for sure, i am either an extremely unlucky person, or just incredibily jinxed with anything with an electrical current. As most of you know. my printer, camera and ipod died in the space of a few weeks.. that was several months ago.. and although i have lot of bad senarios with things (public transport being the most noticeable)..i still try to remain positive about certain things.. although i do a lot of complaining here, i am thankful when things come my way. the last few days have been one hell of an ordeal… some of it was bad planning on my part.. other things purely wtf.

i stayed up for 36+ hours yesterday.. and worked pretty much continuously .. minus times for commuting and taking a break for some food with a friend. You’ll know my problems with the project and the whole illustration issue and not enough work issue, which i agree with. well.. i was very very determined to prove the teacher wrong and work my ass off.. which i did. i woke up at 9 started work pretty much instantly.. drew till 2.. then met up with shin for a good old munch.. which i definately needed if i were to keep working. at 5 went to the Learning zone on bond street to use the computerfacilities.. first problem.. they didn’t have quark.. (a document layout sort of program) .. fine .. although it wasn’t ideal.. this was the time to pick up indesign and learn how to use it.. thankfully i actually had notes on indesign.. in my sketch book.. i forgot that i took a indesign induction in my keen phase at the end of last year. in design worked fine.. i got the room times wrong .. so i had to go to the other computer room as this one was closing.. saved work.. and went downstairs.. plugged in the USB… shit.. BLANK.. ran upstairs.. turned the computer back on.. with evil eyes.. since they were closing.. the USB was fine. all the work was there… calmly walked back down.. .. very thankfully… noticed the usb was dodgy so it took the better half of an hour to just get the USB to work.. and copy the files to my memory card.. good thing i brought back ups.. turned on indesign.. BIG no go. sorry . ‘you need at least XXXmb of disc space to run indesign’.. hunted round for another computer.. finally got settled down and worked till 11….had to leave at 11.. having done only 6 of my 14 spreads… that took 2 hours… wandered home feeling desperately hungry .. but this time i hadn’t eaten for over 5 hours.. i originally aimed to get the work printed there since there wouldn’t be anytime on the morning of the deadline. … it was 11 at this time.. everything was closed.. so i wandered back to turham green.. not being able to sit and sleep on the train.. since it was fully packed…thankfully (i love living on the high street) the newsagents were open so i brought some food.. and a fish from chris’s fish n chippies.. things were looking up.

got home.. and turned on the computer.. unfortunately my fears were confirmed.. i infact did not have indesign.. being much too tired to panic.. i ate whilst looking for the program.. and downloaded it. by this time it was 12.. luckily… it finished in 2 hours.. unfortunately it took a painful 2 hours more to install.. basic maths.. this brought us to 4 am.. on the morning of the deadline.. i kept going and by 8 the whole thing was done on indesign.. just enough time to pop into the center to print it.. i saved the file.. in CS3 (its the version that i downloaded.. btw i used the trial period.. so this is legal:) ) then exported it in a different version to accomodate the CS2 versions that were on some of the school computers (me trying to think ahead) all was good.. i closed the file.. and opened the exported version just to test that everything was okay.. the file opened.. was the version that was the version that i had at the start of the night.. 75% of the work was GONE. surely there is some mistake.. there were 4 copies of this file.. 2 on the harddisk.. 1 on desktop, 1 on memory card.. its all good.. right? er no. i opened every copy.. and all the exported versions.. all the files were the same.. only the first 6 spreads were there. FUCKKKKKKKCK by this time i was panicking and running searches on all my drives.. …. 9 oclock rolled in.. (deadline was at 10..) unluckily for sara.. she signed on about this time.. i proceeded to unload all of this shit on her (thanks sara… she always seems to be around when im at my shittest and the deadlines are rolling in) .. at this point i was giving up really.. i thought it would be a good idea.. to get in early to grovel to amanda.. 9.20.. i found the file!!.. it was finally working for some reason.. it was the same file.. but for some reason. when it opened before.. most of the work i had done had gone.. now this was really shit.. if i left for uni at this point. my work would not be printed.. but then why. there was no excuse i had the file?.. so i left anywho.. arrived bang on 10.. choices: either go and print it and be 30 mins late for a deadline.. or go on time with nothing to show. i went on time.. there wasn’t a chance to talk to the tutor before class started.. so i sat in my seat shitting myself whilst she called us one by one in random order to show our work.. luckily i was the first who one who didn’t have my work.. i told her the situation. infront of the class.. apologizing.. and everything.. but she was wonderfully nice about the situation.. and gave me an extention.. by the time we got through the rest of the class.. the quality of execution… and the refinement of ideas.. and the lack of a finished finalised idea.. had started to get at her.. so i was lucky i was the first.. and received good treatment… im just hoping she read my profile from cath last year and understands that i am a hard working student.. and i am serious about what i do. im not here to fuck about and waste time.. although i will do that.. i will do the work that is required of me. anywho… i told her that i had done all the work.. it was just that the formatting of my file messed up. i had problems so i couldn’t print the work on time… she gave me the option of 6 oclock that day or sometime next week. after a few i don’t minds.. i paused an asked if i could hand it in next week. i realise my concept is not strong .. neither are the drawings that she told me not to do.. so i want at very least the execution to be done well. even if she hates it.. i think it will be obvious that i really have worked hard.. she saw how little i had done on monday.. so fingers crossed….. after the crit.. i went to the computer room.. to print off my work.. not happening.. i tried 4 macs.. my memory card for some reason could not be read at all.. i gave up.. luckily dan called.. and he had gotten me my toner.. it would be couriered to me by the next day.. so that finally one out of my three printers could actually be used..

welcome to today.. it took me about an hour to read manuals and figure out how i was supposed to change the tonor.. since it was all machanically controlled… delighted.. i started to print a test sheet.. finally i would be able to see how my piece looked in its real dimensions.. and if the colour i had seen on screen was the colour it would be printed.. for some mysterious reason.. a problem that never occured before has popped up.. its now chewed its way though 7 sheets of paper which keeps jamming… ive decided to call it a day.. its really been a though 4 days.. and i need some sleep… and probably a good hug too.

having seen everyones work i finally understand vaguely what she wants.. some of the work was really really impressive.. the kind of work that really makes you feel like kicking yourself ‘gah i wish it was me who made that’ and then there were those that had great material.. and ideas. but the presentation was really lacking.. im really not one to point fingers considering i had nothing to show.. but yeah.. the execution i though in some of the work was really lacking.. our tutor was is so enthusiastic.. even though she is strict. it was a shame..

although i personally am happy with what i achieved. i know its not enough for this project and this tutor.. i think i have a clearer idea of what she wants.. and my project isn’t it. i shouldn’t have done the illustrations.. and i should have taken the project a different direction.. it was all about boiling the work down.. refining the ideas to one concept which i failed to do. my idea is confused and unrefined.. but i hope what ive done with type and layout stands out on its own.. there is narrative.. although its a little too literal. i have spent every waking moment for the last 4 days thinking about this project.. thinking about what my tutor is going to say.. justifying my ideas to myself.. urgh. what i want to do now.. is to do another version of this project.. hand in my original tell the tutor that this is all the work i did for friday.. i havent edited it at all.. and then this is something i did after the crit.. i felt that what i did was blah blah. i see the flaws of my work.. and also what i should be aiming for as a graphic designer.. im starting to feel that im really not cut out for graphic design.. at the same time im not really made purely for illustatration either.. or at least the breed of illustration at my uni.. im a little confused now.. this whole project has really made me think a lot..

how can i achieve simple elegant graphic design work that is human, touching, a little quirky and communicates?

after this week. im not sure that im capable of this.

‘A stroke of luck or a gift from God? The hand of fate or devil’s claws?’

A stroke of luck or a gift from God?
The hand of fate or devil’s claws?
From below or saints above?
You came to me

- garbage

its been a weird few weeks.. monday really took the biscuit.. .. now im sort of going out of my way to go against what the tutor (head of year) told me not to do..(drawing.. it was something along the lines of.. you can’t draw.. if you can’t draw then don’t draw) hmm.. yes.. i can’t draw atm.. everything i draw.. vaguely resembles shit.. well metaphorically.. i haven’t really been able to sleep properly recently.. regardless of all this.. i really want to prove my head of year wrong. that i can draw.. vaguely.. even if its not to her taste.. hmm.. its not that im in love with my own work or over protective of it.. but its the thing that got me here in the first place..’this brief is a chance for you to do what youre best at’.. SUPRISE! this is what im best at.. its my only redeeming feature of me as a person.. so excuse me for wanting to prove that i am vaguely worth something to this course. she told me to take photographs instead.. which a few of you might know.. is not my strongest suit.. infact i claim it to be my weakest.. which really really added insult to injury.. unfortunately this is far from the best work if created.. but im happy with the narrative ive got.. so hopefully that will pull it through. if its not good enough. i’ll tell her that i’ll redo it, but this is what i want to do for this project. yes my drawings aren’t always beautiful.. and they are far from perfect, but suprise? this is UNIVERSITY.. a place to get FUCKING EDUCATED.. so sorry if i want to better myself by taking this opputunity to practise my drawing skills. (i didn’t choose to illustrate this project because i THOUGHT it was my strength.. more so that ive rarely draw to a brief.. which is different from drawing whatever the hell takes your fancy).. . what a fucking shame! .. if everyone did something they were amazing at.. is it wrong to aim high? clearly there seems to be. and once again.. why does CSM have such unhappy students? im going to wake up early i hope.. and continue this.. POS project.. hopefully it will grow into something i am happy with and have enjoyed creating.

im sorry for all the profanities.. after the next two days.. i hope to be a more respectable member of society… and a pleasure to be around.. but for the mean time i shall continue to grumble to my hearts content.